Actually I plan to write this in mandarin, but due to I am not really good in expressing in mandarin, I end up writing this in English.
Sometimes, everybody have their problems, have their thoughts, their regrets and some words or feelings which can't tell when they wanted to ... which make them even more regrets ... same goes to me ~
These words are like torn in the heart, so somebody chat with their close friends to remove this so-called "torn" from their heart, some they find a psychologist, some they find family, etc... But to me, I find no one, and this is how I plan to remove them ... write them down.
Actually sometimes I am too desperate for something, but when I get there, I am indecisive ... this is where all the problems and troubles arise ....
In this note, I am going to talk about something related to my relationship all this while ... Which make me a absolute loser. I am a Leo, I don't believe in horoscope thingy but one thing about Leo which is very true is pride ... Pride is as important as their life .... no pride, no life ....
Remember there is once, during my teenage, around 18, I secretly admire a girl of my same age, I tot that I love her, but tat time, I am too immature to understand about relationship, I got mess up between liking and loving .... I am only 18 wat can I do to love or getting into a relationship. I can't even pay my own food, how am I going to take care of somebody, but I know care is not mainly from money, anyway minimal should have some cash right?! To buy gift at least ... treat ur partner once in a while ... bring her out for shopping and so on .... Time and cash should be the preliminary requirement right? hahah~ and I dun have both ... A student, where to get cash, a science student, where to get time .... unless, u got a very considerate other half right .... hahah~
Go back to the story, in a night where I feel very depress, I text this girl and I asked her, will I have any chance of getting into a relationship with her, haha ... ask such a question without doing anything, sure it will be a "No" hahah~ Thinking of it now, juz make me stupid, somemore I don't even feel like loving her but juz liking her, merely like a fren or may be a TV idol or something like tat .... In addition, relationship is not like in drama, ... Meeting her, Chasing her, been through sort of events, then be together and get married ... In reality, is like 10 times or 100 times longer than in drama, there is so many things include, merely " I like you" or "I love you" won't works .... U need a lot of love, include, considerate, care, tolerate and etc ... So many ... even the basic sharing and understanding is one of them ... tat's make me realize this girl is not really my girl but a mere desperation of getting a company ...
Come to second part .... This person teaches me lot of stuff. Make me realize even more ... She make me realize I dunno how to take care of a person ... Dunno how to show my care to a person .... Sometimes care is a very subjective term, sometimes I do care a lot, but i juz dunno how to show it, it is so subjective when u ask me, do you know how to take care of somebody, i can't even know how to answer ... because ur care and mine is totally different ... like ur red and my red might be totally two different thing. But this girl teaches me the care I need to show ... She indirectly show me that, care for myself and care towards others are different ...
I am truly in love with her, this is real, although i am a failure in this relationship but i do love her very much. She taught me, love and relationship is totally two different thing too .... Love doesn't mean u can be together, relationship doesn't mean ur partner is the one u love the most ... Relationship nid so many things, so many commitment ... both side must be mature, but true no one is perfect, but at least both party in a relationship must be clear of no one is perfect and understand the imperfection of each other ... Love is juz love, a feeling, it doesn't do a shit .... now u see a different between a relationship and love, love can't have relationship but relationship can have love ....
But even how much love i have, I wasn't mature enuf at that moment, end up we broke up ... and after breaking up, I make thing even worse as i am not perfect too ....
Our thing get worse, when the imperfection of hers are not tolerated, and I keep everything to myself too much, I seldom express ... Someppl may tot I dun care at all, but I do care a lot, juz tat I don't show it ....
There were this guy, who she care a lot, she sympathize .... and I knew it ... but thing that this guy do, has dis-confident me ... lowered my self-esteem and confident towards my role in this relationship ... This guy show some indication of woo-ing her ... I am so afraid, I am so depress ... but that couldn't show on my expression ... nobody knows cause I juz laugh it through ... like nth happens ...I know my imperfection, I juz wanna tell her, I am not perfect, but I wanna keep trying, cause tat is wat i promised, and I don't wanna break tat .... I try to look towards the positive side ... she keep telling me about the guy things ... Tat's might be a good thing, coz she still put me in her heart, but i couldn't see that, at that moment I am blind, blind by jealous, scared .... darkness fill my heart .... is like suddenly u felt so lonely ... but I don't wanna tell her that, I am afraid that I would limit her social ... I don't wanna that to happen, cause i might die any moment, if something would have happen to me and she might juz lost everything, I don't wanna that, I am juz a normal guy, I have a life span ... I don't wanna be her everything .... cause that might be too sad if i would have die all of sudden ... right ... She should have some close frens to keep her comfort ... to cheer her up when i am not around or i am force to leave ....
I said something wrong ....when jealousy blind me away ... I make her step to the wrong path ... I mess her up, she done something which make things worse ... I try to make it up to her, but everything is done, what is done is done ... there is no turning back ... I tried my best .. but relationship need both party ... so we juz break .... I done lot of thing trying to get us back together but it juz make thing worse, coz everytime she turn back, I can't find things normal ... So I let it go again ... but it is too cold when she walk far ..... I was too selfish tat time, I see only my feelings, but how about hers ... I might have hurt her very deep ... now tat I see, it was too late to realize .... perhaps this is meant to happen from the start ...
I wanna tell her that, I am sorry, but how much sorry I am, will juz make her feel even worse ....So, I juz let go ... Since freedom is wat she wishes for ... letting her go, giving her freedom, is the least I can do for her .... Since my love to her, can't do a shit but wounded her .... So, I juz let go ~ Hope everything would be fine for her, hope things would be better for her .... Perhaps sometimes, we been through different things, and she might not understand since I din talk much about myself ... since I dun own any close friends, I have plenty of buddies, but truthfully none of them is close friends ... they are good and great friends but not close ... since I never spoke of my problems ....
I am writing this, not because of telling those who read to treasure whatever and whoever ... I am not doing this kinda noble shit ... I am juz trying to let go of myself from the demon, from the nightmare .... and telling u guys out there, I do make mistake, I do feel sorry even i din speak it out ~
Lastly, I will make 2011 a new start, a new beginning ... If I could go back time, I wont get into any relationship so tat I dun make her life so miserable ....
I don't write this to get the girl back, because when something break, u get a new one, it is totally different even though it looks the same physically... isn't it ...
Don't take this as what noble shit, if u r a great guy u don't need to read this kinda shit story and feel sad or watever ... take the time and make ur relationship great okay .... I write this because I am failure in relationship and I am working hard to make things works ...
Hope you guys would find a great partner ~
For those who are in a relationship, it is not a game of love or juz three words " I Love You". It involve more than tat ... Be sure and clear and act mature ~ I mean mature ~
Blessed us ... Happy 2011
Take care ..
Panda ....
